<sup>"Give me strength to be kind.
To combine all the good things in life
that are so hard to find...

You give me a quiet mind
and I... I love you
You give me a quiet mind
and I- I LOVE YOU
Until the end ..."
-Blue October</sup>

25 November 2008
TUESDAY

Officially one of the most important days of my life and I will never allow myself to forget it. It is why I am choosing to document it here.

It is why I am choosing at all.

You know, for a while I was really close to losing who I was. It was more that I remembered being so sure of myself last year.

I knew my name, I knew what I believed in.
I knew who I loved, who deserved forgiveness and who didn't.

But these recent months have been like quicksand. One second I believed I stood on solid ground and the next it just fell out beneath me. I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe- I just knew I was immersed and had to get out of it somehow, someway.

Who was I and why did I have these idiotic beliefs?
Why did I love these people who didn't love me?
Did I have the right to forgive people when I myself needed to be forgiven?

Tuesday was my downfall and Tuesday was my resurrection. I have never been so humbled, ever felt so human in my entire life. This is the truth.
And I can truly say that I have never felt

more deeply loved

than I had when I fell down on the drive way pavement. Never ever ever. Ever felt more loved.

And I confessed all of this that I am confessing now.

Childish, weak,
Trite and Cheap

but they love me
for me.

But I have never been more happy of it.

And now that this is over and everything that was destroying me has released itself, I know can move forward.

And as far as change, that may happen,
BUT
I am going to strive
and I am going to fight
to continue being who I am.

Soon I'm going to pick up all the pieces and put them back together and not need any glue or tape.
It won't be a facade this time or frail logic keeping me together.

This time it will be real
and genuine
and maybe, just maybe...
stronger.

So for the first time I leave off to bed
with a completely quiet mind for the first time in months. I have two people to thank for that.

And as for now, that is what I am giving thanks for.

To them
and all those
who save me
time and time again.
For I love you
Until the end.


Happy Thanksgiving.





------------------------------------------------

<sub>Dear everyone,
I'd like to admit that I have been completely inactive lately. I haven't replied to comments from even the people I love the most-
That means you, Kate.
Tasuki, my bandytt, Cheeky, so many others... I'm sorry.
I have failed you, but I'm not going to sit here on my end of the computer and make excuses for it.
HOWEVER, though I'm not sure what is wrong with me recently, I'm going to change this. I refuse to stay in this crazy funkitated stage that I'm in. No matter what, I think of about you guys all the time.
It's just that sophmore slump you get into. The world looks so big and you feel so useless, even though you know you aren't. I feel like I'm on the verge of something crucial, and until I'm strong enough to leap off the edge I'm going to stand here,
right here,
knowing that you all love me despite my reluctance.
Thank you all so much.
I love you.
-Lori
---------------------------------------------------
I'm changing.
I'm not sure if it's for the better
or for the worst.
At any rate, I'm deleting the majority of my gallery
for they no longer portray who I am as an artist.
I am also considering giving up this account,
especially the name.

I need to search for myself again,
and I'm going to find me,
wherever I am.

For lack of a way to better express myself
thank you for reading.
-lori</sub>

_{"I was on your porch,
the smoke sank into my skin,
so I came inside to be with you.
And we talked all night
about everything we could imagine,
because come the morning I'll be gone.
and as our eyes start to close,
I turn to you
and I let you know
that I Love You."
-The Format}


I waded through final thoughts as I was on the sofa, looking up at the ceiling. The day had lingered on forever; had consisted of errands and sweltering heat, a dead car battery and enamel paint. I was thoroughly exhausted and wanted only to pass into the bliss of sleep I’d been craving. But before my eyes completely shut to drown out the world and the hum of the ceiling fan, I wondered:

Who would I be without you?
Would I be without you?

The “you” wasn’t specified to a particular person, but rather everyone that I knew; “you” was every back-breaking tear; “you” was every vicious paper wad thrown at my head—

It was every argument my parents had;
It was every kiss in the closet;
Every walk in the rain;
Every four hour phone call;
Every smile;
Every scream.

I knew the answer. There were only two options:

If not for “you,” I would be a plastic mannequin without a heart or soul—and that would be assuming that I had lived.

The other answer was very plain: I wouldn’t be at all.

And now I thought as I lay on this sofa, that I loved you. Every single moment, down to the bloodiest, happiest bit—I love all of you. You have made me who I am, and even though parts of you cut me like razorblades and beat my skin to blues, I wouldn’t be anything that I am today without you.

But what I want to say is that, if you’re satisfied with who you are,
right here, right now,

Thank all of the people, even those who hurt you, for doing what they have done. Thank even more those who have stood by you all through out, and forgive the ones who fell from your side. The people who are reading this, you know who you are.

Please drop the hostilities and love one another.

Look at yourself and know that you have seen hell and lived to tell the tale, for without knowing pain, we would never achieve happiness.

I love you.
And thank you all for happening to me.

<sub>"Remember that time you drove all night
just to meet me in the morning?
And I thought it was strange
you said everything changed-
you felt
as if you'd just woke up. You said:

This is the first day of my life.
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.
But now I don't care, I could go anywhere
with you
and I'd probably be happy..."
-Bright Eyes</sub>

Dear everyone,

I wonder what your doing right now. Are you reading this while you smell breakfast cooking? Are you reading this late at night when you've nothing left to do? What are you thinking about? How did your day go?

Are you thinking about someone you miss? About someone you love, maybe?

I am. :}
About both, actually.

Today I'm thinking about you, wherever you are.
Today I'm there with you in Hawaii, in California, in Scotland, down the street, in the next city, wherever you may be.

Holding your hand if you want me to,
listening if you'd like.

Because today I just wanted to get up and give some love away. So many of us are starving for it, so when you comment- just tell me what you're doing or how your day went.

Tell me anything, tell me everything.

Or you could just say nothing at all.

Just wanted to spread some love
and perhaps bring a little bit of light to you
even if only for a second.

Thankeths.
-Lorix

---------------------------


<sub>- Choose a singer/band/group
- Answer using ONLY titles of songs by that singer/band/group
- Tag 6 more people (let them know they've been tagged)

Lorix chooses the wonderfully delicious,
apart of this nutritious breakfast,
THE GOO GOO DOLLS!


1. Are you male or female?
Slave Girl

2. Describe yourself
I'll Stay With You

3. What do people feel when they're around you?
Let Love In

4. How would you describe your previous relationship?
Feel the Silence

5. Describe your current relationship.
Million Miles Away

6. Where would you want to be now?
Broadway

7. How do you feel about love?
Give a Little Bit

8. What's your life like?
Black Balloons

9. What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
Maybe We'll Find Better Days

10. Say something wise.
Here is Gone</sub>

::HEY LOVES::

Just want to say thanks for all of the love and support. Everyday is wonderful when I know that I have you all on my side. So many of you are a real inspiration to me; I love you guys and all the strength you give me. Thankeths!

In the meanwhile, School was over as of May 30^th. However, I had to come back on Tuesday to finish up my Integrated Phsysics & Chemistry Final. Guess what I found hidden in the final?

I got a note from Mr. Jones regarding the letter that I gave to him before I left.
^{(The one that you can find in my journals somewhere.) :}}

Yeah, yeah, I cried, okay? I'm allowed to cry! TT^TT He told me he'd never been disappointed in me, and that he was happy that he'd been a part of my life. I can't tell you how stupidly happy I was to get his note. It really brightened my entire week. And I'll always keep it so I won't forget him.

::IN OTHER NEWS::

I went to Kansas (which is really lame and yellow-ness and blah all over) to see my Aunt Mikie graduate, and thus had to see my cousins Taylor and Nathan.

Taylor and I aren't on the best terms, but we got everything settled. It's really wonderful that we're cool with each other now. A lot of the issues that we had before was because I hadn't told him that I was bisexual- and a lot of the time, he makes deragatory remarks about bisexuals in general.

Now that he knows, things will go a lot smoother and all of the tension that was between us before will hopefully dissapate.

So, even though you'll never read this- Thanks Tay. For understanding when I really didn't think you would. I expected you to hate me more, but you didn't. Thanks for proving me wrong, man.

::IN OTHER OTHER BUT DEFINITELY IMPORTANT NEWS::

Wonderful news of the awesomeness! TLC has grown to nearly 200 members! We need your help to reach our goal! So if any of you have friends that are lesby or bi and you support them, please share the love and join TLC! We're a wonderful group of people that seek to help support others who have homosexual or bisexual women in their lives.

You do not have to be lesbian or bisexual or even a girl to join- as long as you love us, we'll love you back, babe! ;}

To join, please visit here: [link]

Thanks for all of my friends who have already joined. I appreciate you guys so much.

Love and let love!
-Lorix

_{"Doesn't it make you sad
to know that life
is more than who we are?
-Goo Goo Dolls}

We've come so far. Does anyone else stop and look around, and just realize that just a moment ago, you were in the third grade, thinking of how awesome it would be going to highschool?

And now we're here. And now that little third grade phantom of ourselves has vanished and gone away.

It feels like a fleeting moment. I don't know. I guess that I've just been thinking about how far everyone has come this year- who we were at the beginning to who we are now.

Our relationships have changed. Our personalities, our beliefs, our weaknesses... isn't it crazy? What we've overcome, and what we seem to trip over time and time again.

You should take time to stand back and look at it all. What happened all through out this school year-
the the odds beaten,
the laughter in the movie theatres,
the inside jokes,
the late night conversations on the telephone,
the hours spent pondering up at the ceiling when you couldn't sleep,
the memories.

What would you be without them? A person without a past, a person without memories... can they really be called a person at all? We need to look back at the past to know just how strong we are. Most of us don't realize that we have a light so bright- so immense- so strong and beautiful- that we're blinded and we don't even know it exists. But it exists in all of us. We just have to dig deep in ourselves and find it. When you stop and look at all the hell, all the crap that has happened, all the pain, and all the confusion that you suffered through- there is one thing that always tells you that you are a beautiful, powerful being.

You are still here.

It's like all at once, I just feel like I'm flooded with memories and with love. All the names of the people who have affected my life; the people who I have affected; it's beath-taking. The guilt I felt of leaving my friends back home, but how we've somehow kept in touch through it all. Caitlin's mom hating me, and us laughing about it despite the fact. Prom and the grand finale to this one hell of a year.

It just... It's amazing.

So here's to everyone. Another year. It's over and gone, gone, gone... but we aren't. We're still here; still breathing; hearts beating and bodies intact. Everyday is like a struggle but somehow we find the strength to get past everything.

Whether its problems at home, whether its a Mount Everest of Homework, whether its a love lost-

we won.

Whether we've been betrayed, whether we've lost a friend, whether we've suffered a death, whether we've been beaten and rejected-

we won.

Dear fucking god, for once, we won.

You all are my heroes. Thank you for everything. For being here, for being my support, my strength, my hope, my love. You are in power of your own life, and you can help others get theirs back.

Thank you for helping me get back my life. You have all made up for years of unhappiness. You've talked with me for hours on the phone, you've wiped my tears and pulled me back from ledges.

Thank you. I hope someday that I will be able to repay you.
For everything.
-Lorix