<sup>"Give me strength to be kind.
To combine all the good things in life
that are so hard to find...

You give me a quiet mind
and I... I love you
You give me a quiet mind
and I- I LOVE YOU
Until the end ..."
-Blue October</sup>

25 November 2008
TUESDAY

Officially one of the most important days of my life and I will never allow myself to forget it. It is why I am choosing to document it here.

It is why I am choosing at all.

You know, for a while I was really close to losing who I was. It was more that I remembered being so sure of myself last year.

I knew my name, I knew what I believed in.
I knew who I loved, who deserved forgiveness and who didn't.

But these recent months have been like quicksand. One second I believed I stood on solid ground and the next it just fell out beneath me. I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe- I just knew I was immersed and had to get out of it somehow, someway.

Who was I and why did I have these idiotic beliefs?
Why did I love these people who didn't love me?
Did I have the right to forgive people when I myself needed to be forgiven?

Tuesday was my downfall and Tuesday was my resurrection. I have never been so humbled, ever felt so human in my entire life. This is the truth.
And I can truly say that I have never felt

more deeply loved

than I had when I fell down on the drive way pavement. Never ever ever. Ever felt more loved.

And I confessed all of this that I am confessing now.

Childish, weak,
Trite and Cheap

but they love me
for me.

But I have never been more happy of it.

And now that this is over and everything that was destroying me has released itself, I know can move forward.

And as far as change, that may happen,
BUT
I am going to strive
and I am going to fight
to continue being who I am.

Soon I'm going to pick up all the pieces and put them back together and not need any glue or tape.
It won't be a facade this time or frail logic keeping me together.

This time it will be real
and genuine
and maybe, just maybe...
stronger.

So for the first time I leave off to bed
with a completely quiet mind for the first time in months. I have two people to thank for that.

And as for now, that is what I am giving thanks for.

To them
and all those
who save me
time and time again.
For I love you
Until the end.


Happy Thanksgiving.





------------------------------------------------

<sub>Dear everyone,
I'd like to admit that I have been completely inactive lately. I haven't replied to comments from even the people I love the most-
That means you, Kate.
Tasuki, my bandytt, Cheeky, so many others... I'm sorry.
I have failed you, but I'm not going to sit here on my end of the computer and make excuses for it.
HOWEVER, though I'm not sure what is wrong with me recently, I'm going to change this. I refuse to stay in this crazy funkitated stage that I'm in. No matter what, I think of about you guys all the time.
It's just that sophmore slump you get into. The world looks so big and you feel so useless, even though you know you aren't. I feel like I'm on the verge of something crucial, and until I'm strong enough to leap off the edge I'm going to stand here,
right here,
knowing that you all love me despite my reluctance.
Thank you all so much.
I love you.
-Lori
---------------------------------------------------
I'm changing.
I'm not sure if it's for the better
or for the worst.
At any rate, I'm deleting the majority of my gallery
for they no longer portray who I am as an artist.
I am also considering giving up this account,
especially the name.

I need to search for myself again,
and I'm going to find me,
wherever I am.

For lack of a way to better express myself
thank you for reading.
-lori</sub>